


Just Enough (to Feel My Body Come Alive)

by lululawrence



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Bad Puns, Barista Harry, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, Light Angst, M/M, No Smut, Sad Louis, Strangers to Lovers, all in the past not present, anyway, gosh that's a brilliant tag too, if you're still with me after these tags, mentions of abuse, most of it takes place in a cafe so enjoy, not that there can be too many but there might be in this fic, okay it doesn't because he should never be sad and yet i did this to him, omgosh sad louis is a legit tag and i'm not sure whether this pleases me or not, or at least i tried to make it angsty because the SONG okay?, please accept this tray of imaginary brownies i made for you, too many chai lattes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 15:32:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14621670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lululawrence/pseuds/lululawrence
Summary: As soon as the door closed behind him, Louis leaned against it and let out the breath that he’d been practically choking on just moments before. He’d been able to hide behind his metaphorical armour until Harry, the barista, had approached the table. That one moment somehow cracked Louis open enough that he’d felt a surge of joy for just a second, and that second was enough to scare the shit out of him.He couldn’t let anyone in like that, not even for a laugh. Especially not another cute boy.





	Just Enough (to Feel My Body Come Alive)

**Author's Note:**

> Holy mother of James Van Der Beek, I cannot believe this is finally posted. (I say finally like I wasn't wishing I still had a few extra days to work on this, but alas. Here we are!) I have so very much to say, but first I want to do thank yous.
> 
> THANK YOU to all five million people I whined and complained to while writing/editing/posting this. You're all the bestest. Huge thanks to the Light That Fire chat who helped me push through when I was my most blocked and least motivated. All of the hugs and kisses and cuddles also go to [Bri](http://briannamarguerite.tumblr.com) for reading my mess and helping me make it make sense, [KK](http://catfishau.tumblr.com) for helping me remember this was supposed to be taking place in London and making it actually sound that way when I kinda forgot halfway through, and [Molly](http://becomeawendybird.tumblr.com) for giving it a final read and making sure it was pretty and correct at the same time. Also I can't forget everyone who assured me this wasn't shit, even when I was convinced it was. Bless you guys and thank you for still being my friends after this lol And lastly! Thank you to Cece for organizing this entire fest! You're a total babe!
> 
> So! Now that that is out of the way. The inspiration for this fic actually came while I was at Niall's concert at the Fillmore in Washington DC last fall and he was actually singing On the Loose HAH! The vague idea started there, became a bit more concrete after I saw [this](http://becomeawendybird.tumblr.com/post/167179785211/niall-horan-in-boston-11317), and then was greatly shaped by my playlist for the fic, which I'll list below. The songs help set the mood for me while writing, so if you're interested in listening to them yourself while reading, they might help you do so as well, but obviously it is optional.
> 
> Thank you for reading! I put a lot of heart and soul into this fic, and I hope you enjoy it. As always, all errors are my own, this is a work of fiction, please don't share it with anyone associated with any of the boys, etc. Happy Reading!
> 
> Fic Playlist:  
> In My Blood - Shawn Mendes (mostly this on repeat constantly, with a healthy does of mirrors)  
> Breathe (2 AM) - Anna Nalick  
> Scars To Your Beautiful - Alessia Cara  
> Tell Me You Love Me - Demi Lovato  
> Mirrors - Niall Horan

Niall settled into his booth in the corner of the coffeeshop and smiled at his iced coffee. He loved that he was at Moseley’s enough to call the booth his own. 

Moseley’s was one of Niall’s favourite parts of living in London. The city was so big, but it felt small inside the little cafe. He’d found it when he’d first moved away from his Irish hometown and landed himself a job for a record label based in London. Feeling overwhelmed and a bit homesick constantly surrounded by accents that reminded him he was far from home, he had stumbled into the cafe the second week he’d lived there and met Liam. Liam was a soothing presence in Niall’s life, even if he was only physically present when Niall visited Moseley’s.

Two years later, Niall made sure to come every night on his way home from work. It was a great way for him to unwind before getting to whatever plans he had for the evening. Sometimes, on a slow day like today, Niall would people watch for hours on end. It had been a few months since he had enjoyed such a luxury.

Harry, the new barista, seemed to have picked up on the work quickly, and Niall was glad. He was very nice and quite charming to everyone who came in, and it seemed he would be a regular on the evening shift during the week. Nothing was worse for Niall than getting attached to someone and having them leave the cafe after a month or so because they couldn’t handle the job. Harry seemed like someone who would stick around for longer, though.

The bell on the door jingled, and in walked a man that Niall knew the face of, but nothing much more. The man also came to the cafe regularly, but always made sure to keep to himself. His body language almost always spoke to Niall in such a way that he didn’t want to approach him. It was unfortunate. Niall liked being friendly with the other regulars, but he didn’t want to overstep any bounds.

Niall watched as the man’s slight shoulders hunched up to his ears as he gave his order to Harry. 

Taking a sip of his drink, Niall considered the man. Niall thought himself good at reading people, and others usually agreed. He could easily tell people’s moods, whether they were being honest and open, and all manner of other bits and pieces about them simply by watching. Based on those clues, he loved to piece together possible lives for them. 

But this man he couldn’t figure out.

Blue Eyes came into the cafe, placed an order for a drink, and then sat down at the table furthest from any other customer. He never brought anything with him other than his phone, and he never met anyone. His phone would always sit silent and ignored on the table while Blue Eyes would stare into his drink. Most days, when Mrs Margate would come in with her old teacup poodle or someone would come in with a baby, Blue Eyes would perk up enough to smile. On the bad days, like today it seemed, nothing could get Blue Eyes out of his own head.

It seemed that Blue Eyes had the same idea as Niall, because while Niall enjoyed a few hours munching on a croissant and making his coffee last, Blue Eyes remained in his seat as well. Niall had enjoyed two gossiping uni students (he’d come up with the idea they were talking about a scandal happening within their building involving their neighbour and the mysterious Mr Hendricks due to the excited way they were whispering) as well as what looked to be a small family of two mothers and their toddler (the child seemed to be on a bit of a rampage, so Niall of course figured it was because he had requested chips and had got only carrots), but still Blue Eyes sat stiff and morose at his table.

The more that Niall watched him, the more he considered that the man looked worn down. He always looked a bit tired, but today in particular he looked as if he had physical weights on his shoulders, causing his entire body to droop a bit while he sat, looking as prickly and unapproachable as a porcupine.

Niall sighed. Maybe, even though he wasn’t sure it was welcome, he really should go over and try to strike up a conversation with the man. He started to shift his weight to get up,  but right as he got to the edge of the booth, Harry walked over to Blue Eyes’ table carrying a chocolate croissant. Niall couldn’t hear what Harry said as he sat it down, but whatever it was, it caused the man to almost transform right in front of Niall’s eyes.

A smile slowly spread across the man’s face, causing colour to come to his cheeks and his eyes to brighten. Blue Eyes didn’t say anything in response, he just nodded and looked back down at the croissant giving a single, loud and clear laugh. Harry walked away, a bit of a bounce in his step. 

And that...well. That might have been the most interesting part of Niall’s day so far.

Niall’s phone vibrated and skipped across the surface of the table, a photo of his best mate, Zayn, popping up on the screen. He swiped to answer and figured it was time to head out anyway. He would be back tomorrow.

 

*~~***~~*

 

Louis hurried up the steps to his flat, hands shaking a bit. He needed to get back inside, back where he was safe. Where he didn’t need to wear the mask that was hardly in place to begin with today. Why had he ventured out? The call of his usual chai latte had been too strong despite the fact Louis really did know better. 

It just never was quite the same when he made it himself.

As soon as the door closed behind him, Louis leaned against it and let out the breath that he’d been practically choking on just moments before. He’d been able to hide behind his metaphorical armour until Harry had approached the table. That one moment somehow cracked Louis open enough that he’d felt a surge of joy for just a second, and that second was enough to scare the shit out of him. 

He couldn’t let anyone in like that, not even for a laugh. Especially not another cute boy.

Closing his eyes, Louis took a deep breath, and began his usual mantra he told himself every time he got home after a long day out.

“It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to be you. It’s okay to be alone.”

As he repeated the phrase that had slowly become his lifeline through the years, Louis melted into the door as if the armour he put on every day before leaving the house had been removed and suddenly he didn’t have the strength to stand anymore. 

Louis sat down on the floor by the door and took note of how messy it was. He really needed to give it a good sweep. He could do that tomorrow. Or tonight, really. 

“God, I’m so stupid,” Louis groaned as he stood up. He walked back to his room and threw himself onto his bed. It was where he did his best thinking because heaven knew he didn’t do much sleeping there these days.

Thoughts about cleaning his flat melted away as he thought back to the green eyes and dimpled smile. He’d seen the worker, Harry, there before, but they hadn’t met exactly. Not until today. 

Louis shivered. Just thinking about Harry’s hands and how gently he’d placed the croissant down on the table gave him goosebumps. It definitely didn’t have anything to do with the horrible pun he’d said at the same time. 

_ I hope our paths will croissant again. _ Louis chuckled again. He always had been a sucker for puns, but that one was particularly bad. The way Harry had said it almost made Louis believe it, though. The feeling of the smile that had unwillingly come to the surface because of it also felt freeing in a way he hadn’t expected. It almost made Louis want…

No. Louis couldn’t allow himself down that path. Not again. He wasn’t going to make the same mistake his mum did and find himself falling too fast for a man who ends up being no good. Louis already knew how that played out: with kids you don’t want, hiding while they listen to the verbal (and occasional physical) matches, who promise themselves to never end up in a similar situation.

Easier said than done, though. Louis was so sure back when he was young and naive that he was worth more than that. More than always worrying if his partner would come home drunk and angry or high and happy but ready to crash. More than being told what to do and a hard smack when it wasn’t done perfectly. 

With his first boyfriend, Louis was so sure he’d broken the cycle. Things were great for the first month or so, but then it wasn’t. It never took long. After the rose-coloured glasses were ripped off, Louis found himself with just another man who was all too similar to his dad. The first time he cursed his bad luck and moved on, proud of himself for not allowing himself to be treated so poorly when he knew he deserved better. 

That pride diminished after the second time he had to leave. And the third. And again. And the thing was, it wasn’t always bad. Sometimes it just wasn’t good. 

Like with his last boyfriend. Louis had thought maybe he’d finally got to where he’d found someone who understood him. Could see who he really was. Sure, Louis wasn’t sure if he could truly say he loved Sam the way Sam said he loved Louis, but he figured that took time. After all, everything in Louis’ experience had taught him  _ not _ to fall hard and fast, so he was just waiting for that moment when he would know and finally be able to let Sam in fully. 

Louis was obviously surprised when he got home one night to find Sam standing in the living room with his things packed up. 

That was when Louis started to think he was broken. Maybe he wasn’t worth anything better than the kind of relationship he’d seen his own parents have. 

Well. If it took tearing down those walls that protected him and his heart to keep someone he wasn’t even completely sure he wanted before he was ready and risking baring himself to someone who would just end up treating him like shit and possibly breaking him, then Louis would just do without, thanks.

He could continue on alone. He could keep putting on that skin that felt a little too tight as long as it continued acting like a protection for him, keeping him safe as he did his best to convince everyone that he was totally fine and okay. 

Louis’ stomach growled, probably angry with him for not eating anything other than the chai latte and croissant at the cafe. He heaved himself off the bed and pulled out a Pot Noodle to have for tea. If green eyes and dimples and lovely curly hair that flopped onto a perfect forehead haunted him too much and made him think of what he could have if things were different, then maybe Louis would allow himself a little cry before moving on. 

Life was hell, but it was all Louis had. At this point, he was used to it.

 

*~~***~~*

 

Harry smiled at the customer and was about to start wiping the counter when a familiar brunette came walking in. He might have only been working at Moseley’s for a couple of weeks, but Harry was already more than familiar with Niall. 

The nice Irishman with a loud laugh always kept to himself about his personal life, but was so kind and genuine in the interest he took in others that Harry was automatically drawn to him. Everyone was.

“Harry!” Niall called. “Alright?”

“Yeah,” Harry said, his smile growing even larger than it already had been. “You?”

“Of course! Life is good and I’m living the dream.”

Harry shook his head as he began to punch in Niall’s usual order. “Cold press, light ice?”

“The day I change my coffee order is the day you’ll know I’m at death’s door,” Niall said with a smirk. “Anything exciting happen today?”

As Niall paid and Harry made his drink, they chatted about some of the annoying and funny things that had happened since he’d last seen Niall. They were laughing over a guy who had flirted with Harry in front of his own girlfriend when The Man walked in. 

Harry had seen him only once the first week he had worked, but the gorgeous man who seemed to try to make himself invisible had been to Moseley’s three times in the past five days. Harry hoped that would be his regular routine. He wouldn’t mind seeing him every day.

Harry nodded at Niall, who made his way over to his booth, before Harry walked back to the register.

“Hey, welcome back,” Harry greeted softly. It was his goal to finally get The Man’s name out of him today. “What can I get for you today?”

The Man wrapped his arms around his midsection and hunched his shoulders, like Harry had demanded something more of him than just his coffee order. Shit. The poor guy looked like he was even worse off than he usually was when he came in.

“Just a latte?” His voice was the same as always; not so much weak or timid, but quiet with an understated strength. It still was laced with something else too, though. Something like fear. Or maybe it was worry? Concern? Whatever it was, it made Harry want to protect him even more.

“Well, I do like you a latte,” Harry joked as he rang up the coffee. That got a snort out of the man, so he called it a win, even if it was a lazy pun. “I can do better. I’ll come up with another one by the time your drink’s ready.”

The man only gave him a small nod and a miniscule twitch of his lips, but Harry would take what he could get.

“Can I take your name with the order?” Harry asked. He knew the guy was a regular, which meant that he also knew that they never asked for anyone’s names. It was a small enough business that they didn’t have to worry about such things. Harry hoped that the man would overlook that and give Harry his name all the same.

The man paid and looked at Harry suspiciously, but almost in a way that told Harry he was being assessed. He hoped he would be found worthy.

“Louis,” the man answered. “But you owe me a pun.”

Harry beamed in response and nodded, probably a touch too animated, but he didn’t care.  _ Louis. _ It was lovely. A simple name, but soft and powerful just like the man’s voice. 

“Thank you for that espresso of trust,” Harry said with a wink.

The man cringed at Harry before letting out a chuckle. “I think that one might be worse than the first, mate.”

Harry shrugged, the smile only growing the longer Louis stood in front of him. This was the longest conversation he’d manage to get Louis to be a part of and he was incredibly happy and proud of himself. He didn’t care how bad his puns had to be in order to keep it going. 

One last glance from Louis, and Harry watched as he went walking to a table in the corner, sequestered from the rest of the customers as he always preferred.

Harry took a deep breath and grabbed a chocolate chip cookie to go with the latte before making the drink to Louis’ liking and heading to the corner. 

“I hope you like choco-latte,” Harry said with a giggle as he set the drink and cookie down beside the phone that sat quiet on the table.

Louis chuckled before hiding his smile behind his hand, like he didn’t want to admit he’d done so. Harry still knew it was there. It made his eyes crinkle when he smiled wide enough, and it was when Harry thought he looked most beautiful.

“I think you’re getting worse,” Louis said before pulling the mug closer and wrapping his hands around it. “But thank you for the treat.”

Harry gave a small bow, which made Louis smile into his mug, and Harry sauntered away.

He didn’t know Louis’ story. It would take time before he would, if he ever did, but Harry wanted to do something to help Louis feel a bit happier. There was just something about Louis that made Harry want to wrap him in his arms and give him a good snuggle. It was obvious enough that Louis was anything but content, but even if it was just a smile or two while he made his trip to the cafe, Harry was going to do what he could to make the man smile. 

 

*~~***~~*

 

Niall sat up in his booth, ignoring the older couple that was bickering animatedly across from him in favour of watching Blue Eyes walk in. 

Louis. Right. A week or so ago he’d heard Harry address the man as Louis, but Niall had been calling him Blue Eyes for so long it was a hard habit to break. 

All the same, Louis certainly had captured Harry’s attention. It amused Niall to no end how Harry seemed to constantly be aware of Louis, knowing just what he needed at any given point in time. Sometimes it was a sandwich. Sometimes something sweet. Occasionally a second cup of coffee or tea. Along with that small gift of attention always came a few words that made Louis look happier than he did any other time he was in the cafe. He had never full on laughed as he had that first time, but the man sat up a little straighter. 

Of course, that first day after the laugh, Louis had lurched out of the cafe like he was being chased by monsters. For all Niall knew, he was, just not the kind of monsters anyone else could see. Since then, Louis had never laughed loudly or smiled widely, but he hadn’t gone running either. 

As always happened when Louis arrived, Harry practically muscled Liam away from the till. They chatted a little bit, Louis’ stance loosening before stiffening again. Niall wondered why that happened. From what he could tell, Harry noticed it as well, his forehead wrinkling with a frown once Louis had gone tense. 

Niall watched as Louis skittered over to a table along the wall that had a light out and was therefore empty and quiet. Over the next hour as Harry went about his work seeming to keep an eye always on Louis, and Louis sat at his table, sipping on his drink, doing nothing. Louis was facing Niall, and he didn’t look up once. 

Niall decided he should go over and at least introduce himself. See if he could get Louis to talk about the weather or football or...anything, really. He gathered his bag and was standing up when his phone went off.

Pulling it out of his pocket, Niall realised that it was the alarm he set to be sure he didn’t forget the meeting he had with a client over dinner. Fuck. Good thing he set the alarm earlier. He definitely would have been late. 

Niall shrugged his coat back on and took one last glance at Louis. Well. He’d have to talk to him another time, perhaps. For now, work called.

 

*~~***~~*

 

Harry was worried about himself. His concern over Louis was to the point where it might be nearing obsession, but he truly could not stop thinking about him.

Someone on the street wearing a grey beanie? Louis was wearing one the other day. He preferred Louis’ and was considering asking where he got it. A stranger on the tube has blue eyes? How do they compare to Louis’? Walking around the shops the other day he found a lonely banana. He nearly got one for Louis, because imagine the puns he could come up with for that.

It was getting ridiculous. And Liam also had started to tease him more than he felt he warranted considering how well he was keeping his interest contained from everyone else.

“Your boyfriend’s here,” Liam said as he left the till. “I’m going to grab more of the small cups from the back so I don’t have to watch you flirt.”

“I’m divorcing you and finding a new best friend,” Harry called after him.

“Do we divorce friends now?” Louis asked.

Harry spun around in surprise. He’d never heard Louis start a conversation before. Harry had to practically pry information out of the man.

For weeks now, Harry had been trying to strike up conversations with Louis. He’d inquire after Louis’ day, ask about whether he was a student or working, that kind of thing. All topics he felt were rather safe. Platonic. Definitely nothing that gave away how creepy Harry felt over the fact he could hardly go ten minutes without thinking of Louis. Yet every damned time, Louis found a way to answer in as few words as possible; often with only one. Harry was both impressed with Louis’ stubbornness and about to pull his hair out over it.

And now, for whatever reason, here was Louis striking up a conversation as casually as anyone. 

As soon as Harry saw Louis, though, he knew something was wrong. 

Louis was standing there, arms wrapped tightly around his middle looking like he was seconds away from falling apart. His eyes were rimmed red and full of emotion and Harry knew. Louis needed a friend.

Completely ignoring Louis’ question that Harry no longer remembered, Harry said, “Go and sit down. It’s on me tonight and I’ll be right there.”

Louis covered his mouth with his hand, tears already escaping his eyes. He nodded fervently and rushed to the corner where the sofas were. They were miraculously empty tonight, and Harry had never been so glad for it.

Harry immediately started making a chai latte and grabbed a slice of cake. Everyone felt better with something sweet after a good cry. 

“We’re getting low on the large cups. Don’t let me forget to order more of those,” Liam said as he came out from storage.

“I’m taking my break, Li.”

“You just got back from one,” Liam complained.

Harry shook his head and shrugged. “I’m sorry. I’ve got to take another one.”

Without waiting for a response, Harry rushed over to where Louis was curled up on the sofa, chewing on a nail as he stared off into space. As quietly as possible, Harry set the drink and plate on the small table beside Louis and settled down on the sofa beside him. 

Louis didn’t acknowledge Harry. His eyes were trained on the wall in front of him as he continued biting at his nail with tears slowly making their way down the wet tracks on his face.

“Listen,” Harry finally said. He turned towards Louis, making sure his body was as open to Louis as possible while still keeping his distance. If Louis needed a cuddle, he was ready for it, but he wasn’t going to be the one to force that on him when this was already a huge step. “I don’t want you to feel pressured or anything, but if you need someone to talk to, I’m on break and more than willing.”

Louis took in a jagged breath and then nearly crumpled right in front of him.

 

*~~***~~*

 

Louis felt like his entire world was about to crush him if he didn’t talk about what was hurting him so much. 

So he did. Louis felt such intense relief as the words began to pour from his mouth, he didn’t even take a moment to think about censoring himself. 

“The day started off pretty shit already. I woke up to a voicemail from my mum, whom I haven’t spoken to in ages, asking for money. Money she knows well enough I don’t have to give, probably thanks to my wanker of a dad cutting her off for something he reckons she’s done wrong. That put me on edge enough, but also I’ve had all these projects at work, yeah? Like, I get it. People are busy, we’re understaffed, I’m one of the lower level assistants, so I’m going to get work piled on me when everyone else doesn’t have time, but that means I’m stressed too.” 

Harry remained quiet and Louis appreciated it. 

Shaking his head and messing with his fringe, Louis finally said, “I fucked up. Bad. My mistake lost us a client, all because of one stupid error I made on a report that shouldn’t have been mine to write in the first place. Thanks to that, not only my boss, but my boss’ boss came and yelled at me. Loudly. In front of everyone on the floor. Not that I had friends there to begin with, but that definitely didn’t help. So yeah. I’m on probation and likely won’t be there for more than a couple more weeks but I can’t go home and I’m hardly managing rent as it is and I just don’t know what to do.”

Louis took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He could feel the relief pouring over him to finally release some of his frustration, even just verbally to someone. He hadn’t had anyone to talk to, not really, in years. 

Shit. Louis’ eyes popped open and he sat up straight, tension and fear crashing through him with such power that he almost physically was bowled over by it. 

He’d let Harry in. He’d sworn to himself he wouldn’t. He’d told himself that he could continue coming to Moseley’s as long as he kept himself locked down and unattached. 

Louis had known from the moment Harry said his first pun and smiled his perfectly slightly crooked smile that he was done for. Harry was dangerous to Louis. Harry was everything Louis always fell for and he always ended up disappointed. He couldn’t handle one more disappointment in his life. Louis already knew he was broken, another reminder of that fact with another failed relationship wouldn’t do him any good.

Because, while he was getting ahead of himself, Louis also knew that was where this thing with Harry was headed. It would lead to Louis either opening up after finally thinking he was safe only to be hurt in the worst way possible or left before he ever got to that point. He’d only opened up to Harry a little bit today, but it was already too much. He couldn’t do this.

Louis jolted, shocked almost as if struck with static, when Harry reached out and gently touched Louis’ shoulder. 

That was what finally pulled Louis back to himself. He couldn’t stay here. He had to get out. Leave. As soon as possible.

“God, I’m so sorry,” Louis choked out as he swiped at the tears on his cheeks. “I’m so sorry, I’ve got to…”

Louis couldn’t even finish his sentence, the tears were coming so quickly now. He just did his best to blink them away and rushed towards the door. Harry called after him, but Louis couldn’t stop. Even if somewhere deep down inside him he was screaming for someone to hold him together, because he could barely do it himself anymore. 

And wasn’t that grand? Even after everything, Louis still longed for that. For soft hands and a kind heart to hold him during the night. A love to come home to and be able to talk to, cry to, lean on. 

Louis was so incredibly tired. Tired of hiding, of always having his walls in place. Of being scared. He was just...exhausted.

Standing inside of his flat, Louis didn’t even remember most of the walk to get there. He was panting, almost like he’d run up the stairs. Maybe he had. He was there, either way. 

Still crying, Louis stalked towards his bathroom, hoping that maybe washing his face would help him calm down from this nightmarish day. He took the threadbare cloth and fought with the tap to turn on enough to wet it down in the lukewarm water. It would have to do.

He held the washcloth to his face and focused on his breathing. Once Louis finally felt like he could speak without breaking down in more sobs, he focused himself and spoke the words that he wished he didn’t have to say, but always gave him strength to keep going.

“It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to be you. It’s okay to be alone.”

Louis removed the washcloth and studied himself in the old, chipped mirror.

He hardly recognised himself anymore. What happened to the boy he used to be? Louis knew exactly what had happened to him, but it didn’t mean he couldn’t long for that past self sometimes. It was a small piece of that old version of Louis that still ached for someone to hold him through the night and allow him to finally, for once, feel safe. Taken care of.

Huffing in frustration with himself, Louis walked back to his bed and threw himself down onto it. 

What happened today could not be repeated. This was the second time Louis had truly allowed himself to open up to Harry and that was too much. He held his hands to his eyes as he groaned. 

Despite everything, he’d fallen for the man with the curly hair. He’d allowed himself to keep going back, keep hoping for horrible puns. At some point over the past month or so, Louis had grown attached to those warm green eyes that seemed to see right into him. Of course, that wasn’t true, but Louis had sometimes pretended Harry knew everything weighing on Louis without having to be told. 

The only option at this point was to stay away from Moseley’s. 

There was an ache in his chest simply from thinking about keeping away from Harry and the tenderness he always bestowed on Louis. But, that very tenderness was making him too soft, and that was just another thing he couldn’t afford. 

 

*~~***~~*

 

Harry felt like a fucking idiot. 

Maybe he felt that way because he  _ was _ a fucking idiot. That’s what Liam told him, anyway, but Harry couldn’t believe that. He had gone over the last time he’d seen Louis so many times since Louis ran out of Moseley’s two weeks ago. It was probably seared into his memory. With all of that reminiscing and analysing and picking the interaction apart, there was one thing Harry was pretty sure of: it wasn’t Harry’s fault.

Well. Not exactly his fault. God, Louis was complicated.

He’d watched Louis’ walls completely fall apart in front of him and, just for a second, Harry got a brief glimpse of who Louis was when he let his guard down. He had so much going on, so many worries, but he also seemed lit up as if from inside. 

Harry had always thought Louis was  beautiful. He was guarded, but his hunched stance and the way he kept himself wrapped up in his layers of clothing or his own arms couldn’t cover up the bright colour of his eyes or the way the sun could hit his hair and skin in such a way that it looked like he was glowing. That couldn’t compared with how Louis looked so alive and vivid as he ranted through his tears to Harry.

All that had shut down almost before it had begun, though. Harry had only just realised he needed to keep breathing and maybe respond to everything Louis had said when he could visibly see Louis replacing the bricks and mortar that had fallen down moments before. It happened so quickly, Harry hadn’t been able to stop himself from touching Louis to be sure he was okay. Everything in Harry was screaming for him to hold Louis close and let him know he wasn’t alone, surely allowing himself a gentle touch would suffice without scaring Louis too much.

When just the lightest brush of his fingers to Louis’ shoulder had Louis jumping and gathering his phone to exit the cafe, Harry was so frustrated. Harry hadn’t said anything, hadn’t even had a chance to do so, before Louis was back to being the skittish man Harry had come to expect every day. Not knowing what else to do, Harry had called after him, but knew better than to physically chase him. Louis wasn’t ready for that, and Harry wasn’t about to push him further than he already had that day.

But then Louis hadn’t returned. Every day Harry worked he hoped for Louis to come in, but he didn’t. Harry wasn’t sure if it made him feel better or worse when he’d ask Liam whether Louis had stopped by when he wasn’t there only to learn he hadn’t. 

Harry knew he was getting more and more grumpy as time went on and Louis didn’t return, but he couldn’t help it. It wasn’t even so much a selfish thing for Harry. Yes, he missed seeing Louis and getting the smallest pieces of affection from him, but he was worried. Louis had only just told Harry what had happened to him on that particular day and Harry already felt weighed down with concerns. What else was Louis dealing with that he didn’t even know about? Was he okay? Did he have anyone to look to for support? To help him be strong?

Harry continued wiping the counter and tamped down his hope every time the door chimed. It hadn’t been Louis for two weeks. At this point, Louis might not return and Harry had to get used to that, but he didn’t want to. If only he knew Louis’ last name or truly any other piece of information, he could try to track him down on social media or something.

So, maybe Liam was right after all. Harry hadn’t done anything stupid as far as he could tell to cause Louis to go running out of the cafe and not return. But, just like a fucking idiot, Harry held onto the feeling in his chest that Louis would come back with everything he could. 

 

*~~***~~*

 

Niall nodded to Mrs Margate just outside of Moseley’s. Once she had passed, he was about to walk in when he saw who was at the counter. Louis had finally returned! Niall had grown quite attached to the man, but he’d been missing since he’d rushed out of the cafe as Niall was arriving a couple of weeks back. 

Harry had been acting like an irritated toddler ever since. Niall had even joked that he must need a nappy change or someone had stolen his dummy, but he’d only got a half-hearted smile in response.

Eyes widening, Niall’s mind began to whir. Harry had seemed out of sorts the day that Louis had rushed out, but had mostly been himself, making Niall think Louis leaving and staying away was unrelated to Harry’s mood swings. Louis was shifting his weight between his feet and not daring to meet Harry’s eyes, looking almost more nervous than he used to. 

Something must have happened between the two of them. 

Shit. Niall couldn’t just go in and interrupt them when they could be working out whatever had happened. Harry would have to serve Niall if he went in, and that would mean they wouldn’t be able to keep talking. 

Mourning the loss of the flaky croissant and the iced coffee that he would be missing out on now, Niall gave a longing glance towards the pastries and continued walking. He’d have to quiz Harry on what exactly had happened another time. For tonight, he’d settle for people watching at the pub on the corner for entertainment.

 

*~~***~~*

 

The past two weeks for Louis had been hell. Well. A deeper circle of hell than his life usually was. 

Usually, Louis was lonely and hoped for things he couldn’t have, but he knew it was for the best. The past two weeks had been an internal battle as he tried to work out which was worse (or just scarier): staying away from Moseley’s - and therefore Harry - or going back and allowing himself to bask in Harry’s presence. He told himself if he chose the latter he would have to return to the guarded and short answers he’d only ever allowed Harry until The Day.

Louis knew if he returned that Harry would have questions. That he would demand more of Louis than he could give, more than Harry would probably even want in the end, and that had been enough to keep Louis away for two weeks, but he couldn’t do it anymore. 

He was just so tired. Tired of always being careful. Tired of putting on a fake face and pretending to be okay when he so obviously wasn’t. Tired of denying himself what his heart wanted.

So, two weeks and three days after The Day, Louis had returned. He’d tried to keep to himself and not answer any questions Harry asked with his eyes. If Louis pretended not to see the hurt and the concern in them by keeping his own averted, then maybe he could push off the questions Harry would inevitably ask a little longer.

It had worked. Kind of. Harry hadn’t demanded any answers at the counter, though he had said he had missed Louis, and that had made Louis stop.

Harry had missed Louis? Truly?  _ Why? _ What had Louis ever done to make Harry miss him? Given him half arsed answers and then cried to him before running out? If anything, Louis was the one who was getting the most from the relationship. If it could even be called a relationship. Louis wasn’t even sure he could say they were friends, yet Harry had missed him?

Louis hadn’t been able to do anything other than place his order with his brows furrowed, but Harry had allowed him that. Louis was now sitting at his secluded table waiting for his drink to be ready, waiting to see if Harry would bring a treat and a pun or more questions. It was nerve wracking.

When Harry did finally walk Louis’ order over to his table, Louis found Harry brought a sandwich with the chai latte.

“Hope you like ham,” Harry said, shuffling his feet as he stood there a little longer. Louis finally looked up and only then did Harry quietly added, “I’m really glad you came back.”

Louis’ eyes teared up a little bit, but he gave Harry a wary smile. That seemed enough to make him smile as well before heading back to the counter. When Louis slid the plate closer to him, a folded piece of receipt slipped out from beneath the plate. Louis opened the paper and found some loopy, haphazard handwriting.

> _ I’m sorry if I did something to scare you off, but I’m here if you need me for anything. Anytime. _ _  
>  _ _ -H x _

Beneath that was a phone number. Louis looked up and saw Harry watching him as he restocked the coffee collars. Harry gave him a soft smile and went back to work.

With a new contact programmed in his phone and the knowledge that Harry would ask the questions Louis dreaded at some point, Louis overall couldn’t regret his decision to return to Moseley’s. Not yet, anyway. 

 

*~~***~~*

 

Harry snuck another look over at Louis where he was sat, back at his regular table in the corner. Harry had never known such relief as when Louis had walked through the door to Moseley’s last week. He was back to his near daily ritual, and Harry had switched gears a little with the new knowledge he had of Louis.

After Louis admitted he didn’t have money to send home, Harry had paid a little closer attention. His flip phone that was obviously from at least five years ago that never rang. His clothes that looked nice enough but were always a little frayed around the edges. His jacket that had obviously had holes repaired. 

Harry didn’t think Louis was particularly hungry, but if he was given a free meal on a daily basis it would probably help a little. So every time he was able, Harry paid for a sandwich for Louis to eat. And instead of puns, Harry made sure Louis knew how glad Harry was he was there. He didn’t want to scare Louis off again, so he made sure to stay away from any compliments that could be deemed as flirtatious, but he wasn’t sure he’d be able to hold off much longer. 

Louis was just so beautiful, and the way that he held himself and interacted with Harry made Harry wonder if he knew just how stunning he was. In every way. Louis needed to be appreciated and treated well, but he also needed to know that about himself. If Harry could help him even just a little by being the person to voice these feelings and opinions so Louis actually heard those important thoughts, then he was more than willing. As long as the time was right.

It wasn’t just yet. But soon. Maybe tomorrow. 

Harry took a breath and finished making sure there wasn’t mustard on today’s sandwich. He’d made the mistake of adding it yesterday only to learn from the adorable way Louis’ nose had scrunched up when he’d taken a bite that he definitely wasn’t a fan. 

Walking towards Louis’ table with his hands full, Harry set the food down and looked at Louis. He was happily smiling at today’s turkey and swiss, so that was something Harry would have to try again. 

“Thank you, Harry,” Louis said with a quick glance up. Harry ignored the flutters within his tummy just from that tiny look. 

“You’re welcome. I always look forward to you coming in.” Harry took in a deep breath and his eyes widened a little involuntarily. He hadn’t really meant to say that. It was a little more personal than he’d been saying the past few days, but it worked. Especially if it made a light blush heat Louis’ cheeks as he looked at his coffee.

Pursing his lips and scrunching his nose at himself, Harry turned around on his heels and began walking back to the counter. He almost tripped over his own feet when he heard Louis’ whispered reply of, “Me too.”

 

*~~***~~*

 

Something had changed. Not as much as Niall had been expecting after he’d seen Harry and Louis at the counter a week or two ago, but something had. Harry wasn’t the only one looking now. It seemed like Louis was looking back. That was...interesting.

Because of that, Niall had chosen a table closer to Louis. He usually liked observing and not necessarily hearing the conversations, but he wasn’t above some old fashioned eavesdropping when it was necessary.

After those looks that they’d been trying to sneak at each other all week, Niall had definitely deemed it necessary.

He casually leaned himself to his left when he saw Harry bringing Louis’ drink and sandwich to the table in order to hear whatever it was he was going to say. Once the dishes were set down, Harry paused. What was he waiting for? He usually delivered whatever line he was giving as he was setting the food down. 

“You’re beautiful, have you ever been told?”

Niall’s head turned towards the table so fast he was surprised his neck didn’t crack, but he couldn’t help it. He hadn’t expected something quite so blunt.

Based on Louis’ reaction, maybe Harry was going a bit off script. Louis’ entire body stiffened, but he was also looking Harry in the eye, a little slack jawed. Niall half expected him to go running out of the cafe, but he didn’t. He didn’t say anything in response either, but Harry just offered a small smile with a spark in his eyes and then walked back behind the counter.

Louis hardly took his eyes off Harry for the rest of the time Niall was there. Niall only knew because he had crossed the point of no return. He no longer cared if either of them knew how close he was paying attention to them and their interactions. He openly watched Louis for the remainder of his time at Moseley’s. Louis barely picked at his sandwich, but he was obviously thinking hard about something.

Niall hoped for the best as he packed up his things. He nodded at Harry and gave him a brief salute before leaving and mourning the fact he had to go away for business. By the time he returned, he just hoped they might have figured things out between them.

 

*~~***~~*

 

_ Knowing you gives me courage. _

_ The world is less scary when I’m with you. _

_ I am constantly reminded of you in the smallest things I see. _

Harry had started being more bold with the statements of affirmation or whatever the hell Liam was calling them since he’d told Louis he was beautiful and Louis hadn’t run away. What Harry truly wanted to say, the statements that were always running through his head? Well, he wasn’t sure Louis was ready for them. How would he explain them anyway?

Harry sighed as he wiped down the counter before closing. Louis had stayed later than usual, and Harry was trying to figure out what was going on with him despite the fact Louis was offering the same short answers he had been since he finally came back. Something was obviously bothering him, because he’d been incredibly fidgety when usually he was so still Harry worried whether he was still breathing, but he had no idea how to talk to him about it.

When Harry had given Louis today’s tomato mozzarella panini and tea along with the phrase, “You are special to me,” he had worried he’d gone too far before Louis had opened his mouth and actually responded.

“I’m special to you?” 

Harry’s heart had hurt hearing the soft voice that definitely sounded disbelieving ask him that question. He’d been doing everything he could to show and tell Louis how incredibly special he was for weeks now, and he worried Louis would never fully believe.

“You are.” Harry had taken a deep breath before spitting out, “You are an amazing person and I think I would want to be close to every version of you that could ever exist.”

Louis’ jaw had dropped similarly to how it had the day Harry had told him he was beautiful, and it was then that Harry had given him a smile and scuttled away.

Well. Actually, maybe Harry  _ was _ the reason Louis was so unsettled, but it didn’t explain why he’d stayed later than usual and not run away. Louis had made it clear in the past that when he wasn’t comfortable he was more than ready to leave and quickly.

Harry ran to the back to throw the last of the cloths into the laundry basket before returning  to the front and finishing his closing duties. He was going to have to tell Louis that they were closed soon, but he wanted to allow Louis as much time to think as he needed. It was already twenty minutes past close, though, and Harry was almost ready to go. Time was quickly running out.

“Harry?”

Louis’ clear voice rang through the quiet shop before he finally approached the counter with his empty mug.

“I was wondering…” 

Harry felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest and his lungs began to burn with how he was holding his breath. He couldn’t allow himself to release the air, though, when Louis was reaching out to him again. Harry was afraid if he moved an inch that Louis would be scared away.

Louis took a breath and pulled his jacket tightly around himself before he said, “I think I owe you some explanations about things and I think I’m finally ready.”

Harry blinked before he finally took a fresh breath. “I don’t want you to feel like you owe me anything, Louis. Because you don’t. But if you want to talk, I’m more than willing to listen.”

Louis visibly swallowed before nodding. He lifted his eyes from the floor for the first time since he’d approached the counter and looked right in Harry’s eyes. Harry was always stunned by how blue they were, but there was a determination in them he’d never seen before.

“I want to. But maybe tomorrow? Since you don’t work?”

Harry couldn’t spit his agreement out fast enough. “Yes, absolutely. Tomorrow works great. I get out of class at six?”

Louis gave a soft smile. “Okay. Can we maybe talk at my place? It’s not far from here and isn’t very nice, but I just,” Louis paused and took a deep breath before closing his eyes and continuing. “I don’t really want to talk about this where others can hear.”

“Of course,” Harry said softly. “Text me your address?”

“Yeah,” Louis agreed before moving towards the door. “Thanks for letting me stay past close. See you tomorrow.”

Harry followed Louis to the door so he could lock it behind him and once he’d watched Louis walk until he turned the corner, he turned around to look at at Moseley’s. It was dark and empty and most nights Harry hated it that way, but tonight the place felt like it was still filled with the determination that had lit Louis’ eyes.

“Oh shit,” Harry whispered as he finally jolted into action. He was getting together with Louis tomorrow. Louis was finally willingly and pre-meditatively going to share something with him. Harry had to show him somehow that he understood how important that was and that he wouldn’t take it for granted. He didn’t know how, but he’d figure something out.

 

*~~***~~*

 

Louis paced around his shitty living room. Why had he suggested Harry come here? He should have asked if they could meet at Harry’s, but Louis didn’t know where Harry lived. If he had roommates. He probably did. It was impossible to live in London without them if you wanted to live in a place nicer than where Louis was now. Unless you had money.

Louis didn’t know anyone with money.

Taking a deep breath, Louis forced himself to sit down. This would be fine. It would be okay. He wanted to tell Harry all of this. Heaven knew he didn’t do well when he bottled shit up, and he didn’t have anyone else to talk to so Harry might as well hear it. Even if it would scare him away.

Louis couldn’t help it though. When Harry had said those things yesterday about how Louis was  _ special _ and how he’d like every version of him despite the fact that Louis was quite literally the worst version of himself he had ever been, he’d known. He didn’t want to hold back anymore. He wanted to test those words and give Harry the last chance Louis promised himself he wouldn’t offer anyone. 

Three soft knocks on the door made Louis come out of the fog he’d somehow descended into over the past fifteen minutes. It wasn’t panic induced, but it was something like it. Louis stood up, shook his arms out in an attempt to release the nervous energy, and then went to answer the door.

“Hey,” Harry said softly before holding out a bag. “I went a little overboard and got us some dinner?”

Louis frowned a little in confusion. “Oh, I mean, okay. Thank you.”

Harry shrugged. “It’s nothing fancy. Just some pasta and garlic bread. I always thought it was easier to talk about hard things when the other person is at least somewhat distracted by food.”

Louis let out a laugh, and relief flooded him. Who was Harry and how in the world had he decided that Louis was worth his time? Because seriously, he was the softest and most gentle person Louis had ever met. He hoped that would continue after Louis told him everything.

“I like it when you laugh.”

It was so quiet, Louis thought he was imagining it, but when he looked up at Harry, he was watching Louis intently. It was the look Harry always gave when he’d said something more bold than he had before. The look that meant he was wondering if he’d finally gone too far.

Louis really needed to say what he needed to say so he could remember why someone as good as Harry never stays that way before he falls for him even more. As it was, that simple phrase was enough to make Louis feel a little warmer, more human and less like a protective skin shrouding an empty person. 

Against his will, Louis blushed and gave a helpless smile to the man who now was focused on finding the pots he needed for the pasta.

“I am afraid if we wait longer I’ll lose my courage,” Louis said, hugging himself. He felt like the skin was ready to fall off of him and expose every part of his inner self that he tried so hard to keep hidden. 

Actually, that was exactly what he was about to do. He was about to peel off the version of himself he did his very best to show everyone in order to reveal his true self and history to Harry. Fuck, this was even more scary than what he’d realised when he thought of it like that. Maybe he shouldn’t think of it like that.

Taking a deep breath, Louis continued. “Is it okay if I get started while you make tea?”

“Course, Lou.” Harry had an even more soft and attentive look than he usually did. Louis couldn’t even explain the difference between the look he usually gave Louis and this one, but it made Louis take courage as well.

Harry methodically moved about the hob and oven, looking as if he was at home in Louis’ kitchen. The calm aura Harry brought with him slowly soothed Louis as well. He still didn’t know where exactly to start, so he started at the beginning with his home life growing up. 

As Harry made their meal and plated it up, Louis continued to talk finding that once he started, he couldn’t stop. Harry joined Louis on the shabby couch with the food resting on the coffee table, but neither touched the food much. Louis was too busy revealing everything about his life that had caused him to be the broken person he was now and Harry was apparently too busy making sure Louis knew he was being heard. At some point during all of this, the strangest thing happened.

Louis physically felt lighter than he ever had before. He’d never taken the step to tell someone his entire history. His past was something he wanted to forget so it didn’t define him but, in a way, the very act of pushing it back was doing just that. Verbalising all of his experiences from childhood to his own dismal dating history felt like he was releasing a darkness from within him.

Not only that, but Harry stayed. He stayed, offered words of thanks every time Louis was telling an obviously difficult part of his past. Held his hand to show he was still there, even when everyone else had left. Harry wasn’t running.

“That’s why I stayed away. Or, why I tried to anyway.” Louis took what felt like the first full breath he’d been able to since sixth form. Feeling the fresh and new replacing the stale and poisonous air gave him the last push he needed to finally admit to Harry one last thing. “You’re special to me too, you know.”

Harry’s face brightened in a way it hadn’t since he’d shown up earlier that night. “You look even brighter than you usually do.”

Louis furrowed his brows and felt his cheeks before realising doing so almost upset his cold and, as of yet, uneaten pasta. “Sorry?”

Harry shook his head and gently lifted a hand so he could brush his fingertips lightly across Louis’ cheek. It felt like Louis’ skin was waking up and the nerve endings were finally registering sensations Louis had thought wasn’t capable of feeling anymore. Louis swallowed forcefully as he waited for Harry to explain what he meant.

“You always have this hidden light in you. Usually I can only see it in your eyes, but sometimes it comes out when the light strikes you just right. Now, though, I don’t think it would matter if all the lights were out in the room. You’d still be glowing enough for me to see you clearly.”

After all the talking, the two ate in near silence. Louis had never felt a comfort in being with someone while surrounded by quiet before. But now, it felt like the stillness was infused with enough understanding and kindness to ease the tension that had filled Louis his surroundings.

 

*~~***~~*

 

Harry had been afraid that after Louis had invited Harry over, Louis would pull back again. He was incredibly relieved when the following day Louis showed up at 7:30 like he did every weekday.

Inviting himself to sit with Louis for his break, Harry gave Louis the croissant and iced chai before he said, “So I never did learn what happened with your job.”

“Oh, God,” Louis said with a chuckle, not questioning Harry sitting down with him. “Turns out everything went back to normal. All of that and they apparently realised they’d have to train some new guy to do everything I do and I guess it wasn’t worth it.”

Harry watched Louis as he went on to describe how scared he’d been before he realised they had no intention of firing him. Louis was more animated than he’d ever been before, like he had new life in him. Harry had been serious when he’d told Louis he was beautiful originally and last night he had looked like he had a brighter fire within than before. Now, though, it was like he’d reached another level of beauty. It was incredible.

“You’re staring,” Louis said with a wry smile as he picked at his croissant.

Harry nodded. “Yep.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re so strong.”

Louis looked up at Harry, questions obvious in his gaze.

Harry smiled, but the determination in his face showed he was entirely serious when he continued. “You keep on going no matter what. You never lost your kindness, even after everyone who should have loved you far better than they did treated you like shit. Life kept throwing difficulties your way, and you never stopped. You just kept right on going and always pushed yourself to do what you had to do. You’re incredibly brave.”

Louis rolled his eyes. “I’m really not.”

“Yes you are.” Harry saw his break was over, so he stood, but before walking away he leaned in and brushed his hand on Louis’ arm. “I’m going to keep telling you that until you believe me. You’re gorgeous, you’re kind, and you’re strong.”

Louis remained quiet as Harry walked back to the counter, but Harry was okay with that. He hadn’t really expected a response anyway.

 

*~~***~~*

 

Harry wouldn’t stop. Louis was confused at first that Harry supposedly thought those things about Louis, but he kept  _ saying _ them.

“Lou, you’re the most gorgeous person I’ve ever met, inside and out.”

“Louis, you’re so strong I feel like I’m constantly in awe of you.”

“You are so brave. I have no idea if I would have been able to be as brave as you.”

It had been almost a month ago that Louis had told Harry everything that should have sent him running, but instead Harry was treating him with more tenderness than he’d ever had. He had a look in his eyes that Louis didn’t know how to interpret, but it made his insides all fluttery and for the first time since he was young, Louis wasn’t scared of that feeling. He was excited to feel it about Harry.

Tonight, Louis’ cheeks burned from smiling so hard. Harry had told him story after story with Liam interjecting details or helping him stay on course. It was a rainy night, and Louis had apparently been the only one in need of coffee and a danish, so Liam and Harry had been more than happy to entertain.

Louis closed his flat door behind him, and he leaned against it. The panic that always used to accompany his return home and the relief he felt at shedding his daily armour no longer welcomed him when he crossed the threshold. 

The realisation made Louis startle. Why? What was the difference? It couldn’t just be Harry and his words. There had to be something more to it. 

As Louis went about getting ready for bed, he scrutinised when it all changed and he realised it had been happening for weeks, slowly. Harry hadn’t left or treated Louis worse after he told him everything, and that had done something within Louis without him even realising it. 

Staring at himself in the mirror, Louis could see what Harry had said just that morning.  _ “Louis, you’re starting to shine so bright, you’ll give off more light than the sun and I cannot wait to see it.”  _ Louis looked over his interactions with Harry, how he held himself at work, everything he could think of ever since he’d told his story and it finally hit him.

Telling Harry the whole truth, the entire fucking story for the very first time, let Louis put down a metaphorical weight he hadn’t even realised he’d been carrying. He’d felt lighter as soon as he’d done it, and the weight had never returned. Losing it had allowed Louis to move and act with a freedom he didn’t know he needed and had therefore allowed himself to act more like himself. 

He also finally began to accept that it would be okay for him to grow attached to Harry. Harry was a good person. He’d more than proven that over the months that Louis had known him and he was deserving of Louis’ trust. Maybe having a person he could share everything with and truly trust was what he needed to finally feel at home in himself again.

Louis decided with that newfound realisation, to act with more purpose. To actively not hold back in ways he might have before. It was scary as shit to do so at work, and after the first day of moving forward with intent, he was exhausted. Louis walked into Moseley’s and the relief that used to flood him when he returned home came rushing in with such a force when he saw Harry walking into the back of the cafe. He knew he’d have to think about it later, but for now he’d enjoy the safety he felt in Moseley’s.

Liam looked up and a smile grew until his eyes were almost just slits. “Lou! What are you having today?” 

Louis smiled at Liam and the fact he had started using his nickname. At this rate, Louis would feel like he had an overabundance of friends after so long without any.

“Hey, Liam. I’m going for an iced white mocha today. An extra shot, please.”

Liam arched his brow in surprise. “Big spender today! Any special occasion?”

Louis smiled shyly as he handed over his payment. “Nah. Just thought I deserved a reward after a hard day.”

“Okay. Harry will be over with your drink and whatever else he throws in for you soon.”

Harry winked at him over the counter as he finished making a drink for Mrs Margate, causing Louis to blush. Why would Harry’s most simple actions cause Louis to feel that way? It was ridiculous. Louis gave a quick hello to Betsy, the teacup poodle who rode about in Mrs Margate’s handbag, and sat at his table. It was only a few minutes before Harry set down an entire tray holding not only Louis’ drink, but also a sandwich and a brownie.

“Harry,” Louis said, eyebrows high. “A sandwich here and there or a pastry is one thing. You’re giving me almost an entire meal now and that’s too much.”

“I heard we’re celebrating,” Harry said with a wide grin. His dimples were going to kill Louis at some point. It was incredibly rude of them to exist on such a pretty face. “What are we celebrating, Lou?”

Louis rolled his eyes, but still broke off a piece of brownie before taking a sip of his drink. “Nothing big. It’s stupid, actually.”

“Nothing you think is worthy of celebrating is stupid. But also don’t feel pressured to tell me.”

God, how was Harry always so incredibly nice? Louis smiled at Harry as he finished chewing his brownie piece. “I just decided to stop hiding so much and tried to be more like myself at work and it was harder than I thought. That’s all.”

Harry’s eyes brightened and he sat up straighter. “Are you fucking serious?”

“With the way you’re acting right now you’d think I just told you I won the lottery or summat.”

Harry shook his head, his smile still somehow growing even wider. “No. Louis, this is big! I know it is. I’m so proud of you. You’re amazing, you know that?”

Louis chuckled, but looked back down at the table. Harry was hard to look at when he was so happy. It was like he could see directly into Louis’ core and that was still a little scary. Or a lot.

“So you keep telling me.”

Harry hummed before knocking on the table. “So I do and so I will until you realise I’m right.”

Louis looked up at Harry through his eyelashes and realised his mistake almost immediately. That was a flirtatious look. They’d been quasi-flirting over the past several weeks as it was, but Louis wasn’t ready for that. He couldn’t be. He needed to get used to being himself before he let Harry in any further, if Harry even wanted that.

“I’ve gotta get back to work, but I really am proud of you, Lou.”

Louis gave one last smile, without the flirtatious glance this time. Acting with intent. Right.

“I’ll wait for more stories with patience.”

“God, I’ve got some good ones for you today,” Harry said as he backed away. 

“I’m sure you do,” Louis said softly.

 

*~~***~~*

 

Louis was confusing Harry. There were times Harry was  _ positive _ Louis was flirting. He was sure of it. But then, it was like Louis flipped a switch. It wasn’t as visual as it used to be when he’d accidentally let his walls down and they’d fly back up again. He used to hate seeing that light in Louis’ eyes go out again, but luckily the light was shining brighter than ever now.

Now it was more like, Louis would get almost coy with Harry only to realise what he had done and change how he held himself and be more straightforward and Harry wasn’t sure what it meant. 

After Louis shared so much of himself with Harry, he knew he had to act with caution. Louis didn’t seem ready for a romantic partner, and Harry had to respect that, but Harry also could not deny what he felt for Louis. Eventually he wanted to ask him out on a date.

Which just made the confusion regarding whether Louis was flirting or not even more frustrating. Would Harry asking him on a date be something Louis would welcome? Or no? It had been six...no,  _ seven _ weeks since Louis had invited Harry over and changed everything and Harry knew there wasn’t a timeline for healing, but he just wasn’t sure how much longer he could hold back either. Louis was just so stunning and amazing and Harry would love to take him out and shower him with love and affection.

_ Like  _ and affection. Not love. Definitely not love.

Not yet, anyway.

Pulling his attention back to work, Harry handed the change to the dark haired man who had occasionally accompanied Niall. Niall hadn’t been around for ages, and the man had only just said something about a long work trip. Harry just hoped he’d return at some point. He missed the boisterous Irishman.

Almost like Harry’s cells were attuned to Louis and his presence, the hair on the back of Harry’s neck stood to attention and Harry looked to the door just before Louis pulled it open. Shit, he was so beautiful Harry didn’t even have words to describe him. 

Without Harry’s permission, Harry’s mouth ran away with him and blurted out, overloud and before Louis had even reached the counter, “Will you go on a date with me?”

Harry’s eyes grew wide and he covered his mouth with his hand.  _ Fucking hell what had he done? _

Louis paused, but smirked at Harry as he finished approaching the till. Narrowing his eyes, he asked, “I’m not sure you meant to ask that or that you really mean it.”

“I didn’t mean to ask it right now, but I do mean it. I’ve been thinking about asking you for weeks,” Harry admitted through his hand.

Louis’ eyes brightened with amusement, and Harry registered that Louis wasn’t running away. He wasn’t putting back up any walls and he wasn’t violently retreating emotionally as far as Harry could tell. That had to be a good sign, right?

Louis hummed as he studied the drinks board behind Harry. He didn’t need to look at it. Harry knew Louis had it memorised by now. He was just doing it as a diversion tactic or to avoid looking directly at Harry.

“I’ll take an iced chai latte, but it’s a no on the date, Harry. I’m sorry.”

Harry studied Louis and tried to read his thoughts and feelings on the matter. “Is that a no for ever, or a no for right now?”

Louis’ brows furrowed, and a confused smile spread across his face. “I don’t know, actually.”

“Can I keep asking then?”

Louis studied Harry’s face, and hope began to grow within Harry’s chest. He might have a chance.

“Yeah. You can keep asking, but don’t feel like you have to. You might get tired before I’m ready to say yes.”

Harry shook his head vehemently as he rang up the iced chai. “Not possible. Not for you. You’re worth it.”  


 

*~~***~~*

 

“Can I ask you a personal question?”

Louis looked up at Harry from where he’d been smiling and making faces at a baby across the way. Harry had been asking him out almost daily for the past two weeks. Louis wondered how long it would be before Harry gave up, or if he’d hear Harry ask without feeling the note of panic in his chest. As it was, just the idea of Harry asking a personal question made that rise up a little, but not as badly as Louis had expected. 

“Okay,” Louis said slowly. “Sit down and make yourself at home, Harold.”

Harry blushed and dimpled a little as he silently pulled out the chair across the table. “Feel free not to answer or say you don’t know or whatever, but I’m just curious.”

Louis chuckled. His brain worked in such an interesting way, Louis could never guess what was going to come out of it next. Sometimes it even seemed to surprise Harry. Those were Louis’ favourite moments.

“When you’re ready to get into a relationship, whether that is with me or some other lucky person out there, what do you want from the relationship?”

Louis blinked. He’d never really been asked that question before.

“Uhh…” Louis pursed his lips before taking a sip. “I mean, most importantly I want someone who makes me feel safe. And accepts me for me, flaws and all.” 

Harry nodded, eyes still intense on Louis. Louis studied the foam in the top of his drink, trying to find the words to express the feelings he had inside of him.

“I think what I most want is a love to hold me during the night.” Louis shook his head at himself.  “That sounds so stupid when I say it out loud, but that’s what I think I want the most. Someone I love and trust and want near me all the time to the point that I don’t even want to sleep apart from them. I want them around me at my most vulnerable, my most needy, to help me feel human again.”

Louis took a deep breath, and it was like he felt it all physically shift as his heart clicked into place.

Harry was that person. Louis trusted Harry completely in a way he never had any of his previous boyfriends. Harry knew Louis in a way not even his parents ever had and he still sat there, never wavering. Louis had been turning Harry down when he asked him out almost every single day, sometimes more than once a day, and he still kept returning.

When Louis had dreams and feelings of phantom arms holding him and protecting him from his nightmares, it was Harry he thought of and hoped they belonged to. Always Harry.

But was Louis ready? He searched for that feeling of panic, of fear and warning and anxiety within him that had come up every time Louis considered opening himself up for someone again in that way. But it didn’t come. When he considered the idea that if he kept putting Harry off and shutting him down he might lose him, though? Then the fear spiked and his heart raced. Not having Harry in his life was what he feared more than letting him in, and that was answer enough for Louis.

“Haz?”

Harry looked back over at Louis and released his lip from between his teeth. His face was so open, so trusting. Louis didn’t deserve him, but he wanted to believe he could one day.

“Yeah?”

“You haven’t asked me yet today.”

Louis looked at Harry in what he hoped was a significant way until Harry sat up straight, eyes going wider, a look of surprise on his face.

“Oh,” Harry said, sounding breathless. “No. I haven’t. Should I?”

Louis nodded, shy smile growing.

Harry leaned forward, reaching for one of Louis’ hands. Louis let Harry pick up his hand and pull it closer so he could envelope Louis’ small, cold fingers between his two warm palms. Goosebumps rippled up his arm until they spread across most of his body.

“Louis, will you please go out with me on Friday night?”

“Today  _ is _ Friday, Harry,” Louis said with a chuckle. Surely he didn’t mean tonight.

“Yes, I know. I don’t want to give you any time to change your mind if you actually say yes,” Harry said before giggling a little. “So? Will you?”

Louis rolled his eyes. “I mean, I’ll have to check my incredibly full schedule, but I think I can make that work.”

Still holding on to Louis’ hand, Harry leaned back in his seat and looked over at the dark haired man that must be a model sitting in the booth making eyes at Liam. 

“Do you hear that, Zayn? Louis finally said yes! He’s gonna let me take him out tonight!”

“It’s about damn time, I was getting tired of your pining,” the man - Zayn apparently - said. Louis watched as he drank the last of his coffee and stood up. “Congratulations, Harry.”

As Zayn walked away and waved at Liam, Harry mumbled, “You’re one to talk.” Harry stuck his lip out and looked at Louis. “He’s been pining for Liam for months.”

“So what are we doing for our date tonight?” Louis did want to know more about Zayn and Liam, but he could ask Harry on their date. Presuming Harry actually had something in mind.

“Oh, you’ll see. I’m going to sweep you off your feet and proper woo you.”

Louis smiled so wide his cheeks twinged a little. He didn’t care, he was so happy in this moment he didn’t want to hold anything back. “Is that right?”

“Yes it is. Because you’re the most incredible man I’ve ever met so I’ve got my work cut out for me to keep your attention.” Harry winked at Louis before standing. “But I do also want to keep my job, so we can talk more later.”

Louis sat and smiled at Harry behind the counter, daydreaming about their date before it hit him. Holy shit, he had a date and he was still in his work clothes. He needed to get ready. 

Making the chair scream across the tiled floor in his haste to stand up, Louis rushed towards the door of Moseley’s. 

“I’ve got to get ready for tonight. Text me details when you can!” Louis called as he shoved his phone back into his pocket.

“You’re perfect as is!” Harry yelled after him.

Not a chance. Louis hadn’t got dressed up for a date that he was truly excited about in years. Harry was worth more than a worn out white dress shirt and trousers. Louis didn’t have much, wardrobe wise, but he would make do. Harry was worth the effort.

 

*~~***~~*

 

Niall walked into Moseley’s for the first time in three months and looked around. It hadn’t changed in that time, but it still felt different than he remembered. Maybe that was the effect of time on memories.

A barista Niall wasn’t familiar with - since he was there earlier than he usually was during the week - took his order and made his coffee, but Niall didn’t mind. It would give him time to sip and sit in the corner ready to observe and see everyone he’d missed while he had been gone.

Less than an hour went by before Mrs Margate came in with Betsy, and before long Liam arrived as well. Niall was more than surprised to see Zayn walk into the shop, though, considering he was hand in hand with Liam. For being Niall’s best mate and making sure to let him know the shop hadn’t burned down or anything while Niall had been gone, he had managed to overlook that small detail.

Sitting down across from Niall, Zayn gave a sheepish grin. “Surprise?”

Niall leaned back and folded his arms in front of him. “How long had I told you that you two would be perfect together?”

“You know, there’s a reason I didn’t tell you over the phone.” 

Zayn pouted for what had to be maybe half a second before Liam was sliding what looked like a disgustingly sugar filled half cream drink that maybe had a teaspoon of coffee in it. 

“Here you go, babe.” Liam gave a soft smile to Zayn, an apologetic wince to Niall, and then hurried back across the room to the counter.

“The fuck is that?” Niall asked, nodding towards the cup. “Can’t be coffee. Or tea. It’s an abomination.”

Zayn arched his brow and glared. “Should I start judging you for everything you eat and drink now? I could start with Shawn’s arse, if you’d like.”

Niall squawked. “Who even are you? I try for years to get you in here for more than five seconds and you always refuse. I leave for three months, meet the love of my life before having to come back across the globe with no idea when we’ll meet again, only to be treated like  _ this?” _

Zayn happily took a sip of his confectionary beverage before nodding. 

“Seriously,” Niall said. “How long have you two been dating?”

Zayn blushed a little. “Only like a week.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Zayn started going on with some sort of explanation, and Niall wanted to know what his answer was. He did. The only problem was the two people Niall had been begging Zayn for details about, the two Zayn refused to say anything regarding, had finally arrived. Separately, it seemed, but Niall knew as soon as he saw Louis walk in the door that what Niall had been hoping for had finally happened.

“Hey, love,” Louis said. His shoulders didn’t rise up to his ears. He didn’t try to cover himself with an oversized jacket. He didn’t hug his midsection. Instead, he leaned across the counter and gave Harry a quick peck on the lips, despite the noise of disapproval Liam made. “Sorry, Li.”

“I’m not,” Harry said. Liam whipped his arse with a towel, but Harry only laughed. “What drink today?”

Niall was afraid his cheeks wouldn’t function normally after this, he was smiling so wide. Finally, his boys had all found love. The love Niall always hoped for them, and with each other. He couldn’t be more pleased.

Zayn kicked Niall in the shin, bringing him back to the present.

“Fuck!” Niall said, louder than he meant to. Louis and Harry both looked his way, Harry waving and smiling as he did so. Niall waved as well, knowing he’d have to go over there for a chat later, but first he needed to deal with his shit best mate. “What was that for?”

“You’re ignoring me and I’m sitting here spilling my guts to you.”

“Well you wouldn’t tell me shit about these two, so I’m learning by my own powers of observation, thank you. Now shut up.”

“Hey!” 

Niall turned to see who Harry was calling to, but he should have known it would be Louis. Harry had always been a happy guy, but now it was like he was floating. Louis, though, was like a different person when he turned around and gave a sassy look back. 

“You’re beautiful. Have you ever been told?”

The words were familiar to Niall, like he’d heard almost the exact same phrasing before. Maybe he had. 

“Just once or twice,” Louis said with a wink.

Harry tutted. “Well. I’ll have to be sure you hear it more often then.”

“They’re disgusting. That’s the real reason I didn’t tell you anything,” Zayn said. “Now, can you please focus on me? It’s been months, Ni.”

“You’re a needy fuck,” Niall said before taking a big gulp of coffee. American coffee was shit. He was so happy to be back in the U.K. “So. Tell me all about you and Liam. Again.”

Zayn rolled his eyes and sighed, but Niall knew he was more than happy to talk about him and Liam. As Niall looked around and watched the other customers come and go through the cafe, a feeling of calm and contentment settled. He wasn’t sure if he believed in fate, but sitting in that cafe surrounded by people he enjoyed the company of, and good food, might be about as close as he could get to doing so.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this fic! I hope you liked it. If you did, please consider leaving me kudos, a nice comment, and/or reblogging [this fic post](http://lululawrence.tumblr.com/post/173832868423/just-enough-to-make-my-body-feel-alive-14k-by) to help spread the word about it! 
> 
> You can find the masterpost for all of the Flicker Fics [right here](http://larryandgaystuff.tumblr.com/post/173812832149/larryandgaystuff-the-flicker-collection-13). Be a peach and help reblog it as well??
> 
> Interested in helping support charities with fanfic? If you are, I could write a fic for you! Check out the info [here on Tumblr](https://1dfanworksforcharity.tumblr.com/post/174494969280/1d-fanworks-for-charity-auctions-for-lululawrence).


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